Story of us

I saw him, for the first time I mean, during a meeting. A friend of mine introduced him as a manager for a new band. He was shooting a video clip for this band, it was about a gipsy family. The location was a place close to my house, in a strange aria.I think I was somehow fascinated of him. The way he talks was ...special, a big mouth, and an open person. We talked for about one hour. I still remember the shirt he was wearing.After he left the office I was immediately call another friend of mine and I told her I’m completely in love. She laughs and she told me that he is gay. And that was it. I stopped thinking about him, even if I was fascinated.I know some gay people and they always fascinated me, but this one was special. Cause I was feeling something.I talked with him from time to time, small talking. And every year I send a message for his birthday, with some kind of love, pure love.Somehow he was in my mind. This summer we met. He was sending a nice post card for my birthday and we started to chat on messenger. Like friends, creative talking - gossips, as usual. In the mean time I was having this blog of mine where I was sharing my life with the world. I found this Markus gay and I begun to read a lot of gay stories, fascinated life, and beautiful people. Then there was Stingo – lovely, gay of course. I was reading every day stories about the way they loved and lived.And one day from nowhere comes this other gay person. Sad and strange like me. I was alone and with a lot of things on my mind, unhappy. And he was afraid that he was dying. Like me. For about one month no news from him.I felt him so sad and so away from the world. I didn’t care about the archive of his blog, I only wanted him to be alive. Because I was thinking that he is not alone or dying. I can be his friend. And he was back and in love after some time. I was happy and actually I was writing him that I’m happy for his found love. My life was a mess as always. But I did have my blogspot and my virtual friends. He starts to write back and he put some nice comments on my posts. I was starting to love him and of course I told my girls: Girls! Can you believe it?! I love someone I don’t know and he is so gay!Because the way I am, nobody took me serious. I love someone all the time. So what if he is gay?Then I saw the band manager, as Gay as my virtual lover of course. We had this project together and I was the most happy and beautiful person in the world. For all the pain I was going through I create a new and secret blog. I was someone; I was just a person, without a past or a future.We were leaving the city in the same car to shoot a video clip for his band. I wanted him to know that I know he is gay and I don’t have a problem with his sexual orientation, but I was ashamed to open that kind of conversation.So I told him that I was in love with him from the first moment I saw him. We laugh a lot and our trip was nice and funny. We also talked about the way I love my virtual friend. I told him about the way I feel when I’m reading his posts, the way I love everything about someone I don’t know.And he was very calm and listening my big huge mouth.I told him that I want a child. And he was very funny because he also wants to have a child. So I suggested that we could have it together.We laugh all the time. It was an innocent joke after all.We talked about movies and music and things that we love. I talked a lot, like I do all the time. I don’t want people to feel my fear so I’m not shy, I just talk and talk.We arrived at sea side, my favorite place on earth. Everything good in my life is close to the seaside. I was totally in love, even if I knew I didn’t stand a chance. He was nice and worm and I was just flying with my butterflies."I closed my eyes and I saw the way my daughter is signing her name. And I told him laughing: our baby will be a girl, her name is "S". "He laughs back. I felt him like my best friend from USA. I was thinking a lot about my other best boyfriend and I realize that they are alike. I was falling in love and I didn’t know who I was in love with?!Is this gay or my friend, the other one?We talked a lot and everyone was telling me that I’m different, that my eyes are sparkling.I told them that I’m happy, that that’s the way I usually am, in love and happy, at the seaside.My virtual gay friend is an intellectual, a smart gay - an artist. He was having huge issues about his sex life and the way he lets the sex guide his life. And he was reading a book. Something was in my mind, the name of the book. I was receiving a lot of information from my real gay “lover” and I was so blind.He was telling me names and I was so in love and crazy and happy.I was in shock all morning. I opened the Internet in the middle of nowhere, God save Nokia and the queen! I was reading and I was afraid to admit that the virtual gay friend is the man I love and he is real and so close to me.We were inside the room. He opens his bag and he pulled out a book. The time stopped right now for me. I can’t find the words to describe the way I felt that moment. My heart stopped, I felt all the blood from my brain exploded and I couldn’t move.I watch his face and I asked: what is that? What’s the name of that book?He sleep all the night in the same bed with me, he was holding me and kissing me. I was nothing, I was “virtual”. I was a ghost in love with a real ghost.In the morning I called my real best friend and I asked him: "You think I can love you after 6 years? You think I can love you and not know that? Maybe I’m looking for you in someone else..Tell me what do you feel when I’m talking to you. "He was eating and he was thinking that I’m crazy. He told me something and I hang up the phone.I started to look for answers but I was not sure I want to know.We left the beach by foot, hand in hand. Behind all the crew was finishing the shootings.I knew that my heart will be broken, but I walked with him on a long and beautiful road in the middle of nowhere, just the two of us, the sea and the sky and this endless road.He told me stories, I laugh as he was holding me and protected me. I think I was away, away from this world. Anything he could say was not important, because for me, that day, the time stopped on that road.

Nothing is happening without a reason. Everything I lived before was a lesson, but this last lesson was the most difficult to handle.He told me that he is the one, the virtual gay “lover”. And I was mute. I was not I and I still don’t know who I am or who I will be after our relation ship.I was betrayed, I was alone in the middle of this empty road facing two different men that I love, in the same person.He told me that the virtual one is someone else, is like a fantasy or something. I didn’t care about it. I loved him anyway, gay or not.We walked and I was just listening words coming out of his mouth. The sky was the most beautiful thing that I ever saw.He was holding my hand and he was there for me. I wasn’t me. I’m still not me, and I don’t know who I am. I don’t want to be me.I changed my life in two hours. Not for him, but for me. I closed the door and I pushed the others outside because I wanted to enjoy my strange kind of love. Who does that?! I lived every second like it would be the last one. Because I knew he wouldn’t change his life for me. He was guilty. Not in love. That’s what I feel now about it. I was not trying to change him; I loved him as gay as he was.I knew he was in love with someone – from the virtual friend I knew. But I didn’t play attention, maybe because I was reading also about his love affair during this relation ship.I don’t want to think about all I’ve heard these weeks, all the advices and everything good or bad about my life. I was watching him and the déjà vu was in my mind, my eyes, and my brain.I was having a shower at his place and after I was watching my self in the mirror. I realize that this was already happened before, in that morning when I was doing my pregnancy test. I was wearing a towel; I have had the test in my hand. He was watching the news, he was in bed. I get out from the bathroom with a happy face and I was telling him: baby, you’ll be a father. And I know the way his face looked right then, in that moment.Maybe is all in my mind, maybe I want this to Happen but I know the way his face supposed to look.These déjà vu episodes are making me crazy. He is afraid of me, he is afraid to be the man in my life. Because he knows he will be gay forever, I think. I’m too tired to think about it. I just want to sleep and never wake up. Let him live and do what he wants.He is telling me that I dramatize everything all the time and maybe I am, but that is the way I am.I want him because I felt something in that first day I saw him, because somehow the faith had bring him to me, virtual and then real.God is playing with me and I let him do what he wants because I have my sins and I know I must pay for it. But it’s too much sometimes. I wanted a baby, I was afraid that I couldn’t have one. “The payment”

Now I’m again in deep shit. The man I loved is not sure he wants to destroy my life. He is thinking about the baby, about my future, and me about his gay issue, sorry life.But I’m still on that road in the middle of nowhere. He is holding my hand and he is kissing me.The next mistake is not here to come, we are just walking and he is just one man I love. I’m falling in love with him with every step we take, we just walk. I’m watching the sky and there is so much peace in our life, right there on that road.The sea is still there, I can hear the waves and I know that God is saving the best for my kid and me.My life is not a movie. My pain is not a word from a script. But HE is the managing director of this soap opera. And he is good.